EvolutionA.ry

A. believes in Fish People. That is a fact. To bolster her argument, she used some CNN researchy-baloney article full of big words and commas but, ultimately, I believe she failed to show any connection between fish and people.

But I’ve had an epiphany, thanks to another article from CNN. Researchers found a 4.4 million-year-old skeleton of a hominid female, nicknamed Ardi. She is perhaps the oldest fossil ever found.

I withdraw my argument that A. is actually a Fish Person. Instead, I submit that A. is actually a descendent of Ardi and her ilk.

I have solid proof to support my theory, to wit:

• Ardi is 4-feet-tall. So is A.
  
• Ardi weighs 110 pounds. A. claims to weigh 110 pounds.
• Ardi has very long arms and fingers. A. has arms and fingers (I know she has fingers because I’ve actually seen them -- up close -- as she pokes me in the eye).
• Ardi has an opposable big toe. A. often complains her big toe is opposed to most of her ideas.
  

According to the article, “Ardi's brain was believed to be the size of a chimp's, but she also had many human-like features, such as the ability to walk upright on two legs.” Likewise, A.’s brain is that of a chimps’. However, I have found A. to be devoid of any human-like features, such as the ability to empathize, fight fair, or stop singing “It’s a Small World.”

In addition, the article states Ardi owned “all-purpose teeth” that likely feasted on a diet of plants, fruits and small mammals. I once caught A. biting a neighbor’s cat. She said it was delicious.

Perhaps the most shocking fact found in all my research (or maybe I'm just imagining it): The artist rendering of Ardi (top) is strikingly similar to our artist’s rendering of A. (bottom).

“Researchers are still trying to pinpoint when the two lineages -- chimps and humans -- split from their common ancestor.” I submit A.’s ancestors may have travelled the former road.

Finally Ardi and A. both begin with A. Coincidence? I think not! For that reason alone, I rest my case.

Fish tales

I wasn't going to blog about this because it disturbed me so much. So I am only going to say this once, because I can only bring myself to say it once: A. believes in fish people. I'm not talking about the Bará, or Fish People, of the Northwest Amazon. No. I'm talking about fish, people.

A. was watching a documentary with her "boyfriend" (whom I will call "A.'s B." to protect what little innocence he may have left) and he convinced her that the show was about this little-known tribe of "fish people." They were newly-discovered by scientists, so he claimed, and were very shy, so few land people have seen them. She believed him, and told me, and I told her, "Boy, he really brings out the dope in you." A. laughed, and then pouted when A.'s B. laughed, too. A. actually believed the practical joke -- if for only a minute. Now, our reward is getting to tease her mercilessly.

But despite the taunting, A. has since spent her days carefully considering the fish people. Her "vision" of the fish people sparks concern. They live under the sea, with big suckers on their heads and a big, empty, black hole where their face should be. Their fingers are webbed and look like catcher's mitts with talons on the end. I have a suspicion she would offer the same description of a Republican, if asked.

I will not dwell on this subject any further, for I cannot. It saddens and silences me. Oh, it's fodder for a lot of teasing, but now I am convinced (more than I was before) that A. has been abducted at some point in her life. Surely she's back here now because whatever abducted her dumped her home with galactic speed after she regaled them with a few choruses of "You are not aloooone! I am here with yooooou!"

All in all, I now believe A. is a fish person. After all, she DID take the bait.

Tabled manners

Today A. forked, spooned and Splenda'd me... it's not as erotic as it might sound. The fact is, she threw a fork, then a spoon and then some Splenda packets at me during lunch. No, no, no -- there didn't need to be a reason. Lunch was over and it was just A.'s way of driving the point home. To that end, it's a good thing she didn't have a knife. In the free-form jazz assault genre, A. is freaking John Coltrane and she was merely vamping in the zone.

A. kicked me

A. kicked me. Really, she kicked my purse - while I was carrying it. I don't remember what we were talking about, but I'm sure it was just to emphasize a point.