Saturday, October 3, 2009

EvolutionA.ry

A. believes in Fish People. That is a fact. To bolster her argument, she used some CNN researchy-baloney article full of big words and commas but, ultimately, I believe she failed to show any connection between fish and people.

But I’ve had an epiphany, thanks to another article from CNN. Researchers found a 4.4 million-year-old skeleton of a hominid female, nicknamed Ardi. She is perhaps the oldest fossil ever found.

I withdraw my argument that A. is actually a Fish Person. Instead, I submit that A. is actually a descendent of Ardi and her ilk.

I have solid proof to support my theory, to wit:
  • Ardi is 4-feet-tall. So is A.
  • Ardi weighs 110 pounds. A. claims to weigh 110 pounds.
  • Ardi has very long arms and fingers. A. has arms and fingers (I know she has fingers because I’ve actually seen them -- up close -- as she pokes me in the eye).
  • Ardi has an opposable big toe. A. often complains her big toe is opposed to most of her ideas.
According to the article, “Ardi's brain was believed to be the size of a chimp's, but she also had many human-like features, such as the ability to walk upright on two legs.” Likewise, A.’s brain is that of a chimps’. However, I have found A. to be devoid of any human-like features, such as the ability to empathize, fight fair, or stop singing “It’s a Small World.”

In addition, the article states Ardi owned “all-purpose teeth” that likely feasted on a diet of plants, fruits and small mammals. I once caught A. biting a neighbor’s cat. She said it was delicious.

Perhaps the most shocking fact found in all my research (or maybe I'm just imagining it): The artist rendering of Ardi (top) is strikingly similar to our artist’s rendering of A. (bottom).






“Researchers are still trying to pinpoint when the two lineages -- chimps and humans -- split from their common ancestor.” I submit A.’s ancestors may have travelled the former road.

Finally Ardi and A. both begin with A. Coincidence? I think not! For that reason alone, I rest my case.